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Showing posts from November, 2004

A tightrope

My ex has been around a bit more lately.She has seen the kids twice in the past 3 weeks.So I have spent more time with her than before.(As she was just gone for half a year.)I felt like I should tell her that I was waiting for her, should she decide to turn her life around.After a week or so, she asked me what that would entail.And also would it mean she could come back and live with me.(I don’t think her current situation is very fun.)I told her she could not, and that a reunion would be a long, arduous process.She told me that she was surprised that I made the offer; she thought I had shut that door.I was surprised that she was surprised since I spent the last year and a half or our marriage begging her not to leave her family.Anyway; she wants me to put in writing what I think would be required to get back together.So in a since, my worst fear is coming true.I really wanted her to want nothing to do with me again so the onus for our break-up would be hers completely. The fact that …

The token conservative

I just signed onto a board for underground-music-loving Christians.I’ve been around the board long enough to see my beliefs are in the minority.So I wrote this little introduction for myself and thought is was kind of interesting; so here it is…I’m the one who believes the Bible is the indisputable Word of God, thinks we should all go to church, and typically votes republican.I believe in absolute truth.That some ideas, philosophies, religions are right, and others are wrong.I also believe it is totally possible to believe this AND maintain a loving, compassionate outlook on life and towards others without yielding any ground.I am open-minded in the sense that I love to learn, listen to other people’s issues and ideas, and exchange my own.I am close-minded in the sense that I am completely convinced that Christ is risen and His Spirit dwells in me.I have come to this conclusion through a triangulation of a variety of data.There are the existential aspects.(Those that can be denied thr…

How it came to be that I own a Charlotte Church CD

For some reason I was buying a Chevelle CD at Wallmart… Oh yes, I was buying socks and underwear for my boys…So anyway, I find the Chevelle CD, pull it out, and there waiting behind my intended purchase were the big, sweet puppydog eyes of 14-year-old Charlotte.My eyes did that anime thing where they get really big and the pupils dilate and highlights overwhelm the surface area.“Awwwwww!”I said.“It’s SO cuuuuute.”I said “it” because even in the stupor that was overcoming me I could recognize that this was a cleverly fabricated product dressed in the peach wood-nymph dress; not a human.I turned the CD over and found an ivy-festooned glen replete with dappled light dancing across the cherubic face of the sweet little girl who reclined on the almost-real-looking log. Her dainty head atilt and comfortable in all her pulchritude.
“NO!” My rational side yelled at me.“You came for Chevelle!Remember your anger.Tap into your testosterone induced rage to resist the seductive powers of the aesthe…

Ancient Paths

I attended a seminar at my church over the weekend called Ancient Paths.It’s a ministry started by a guy named Craig Hill.The theme is about how our society - church included - has abandoned the way God wanted people to live, and the consequences we are suffering as a result.The part I attended mainly covered family and interpersonal relationship issues.We examined modern American culture and mores through the lens of ancient Jewish society.(Which is our best example of how God wanted us to live since it was a theocracy with all the laws coming straight from Him.)We looked at the power of blessings and curses, how they are applied and the generational effect they have.Then the importance of ceremonies to cement these blessings at important times in life, and the roles that the family and community play in those as well.I’m pretty skeptical about this sort of thing generally.Especially the whole curses and demons and related themes.Not that I don’t believe they exist.But the amount of …

The debate in my head rages on

Well, raging is probably too strong a verb.I’m going to lay out the two sides of my current thinking regarding the whole remarriage issue.I’ve been thinking and praying about it for several months now, and don’t feel any closer to a conclusion than I was in the beginning.Side One:God’s consistent example to us is one of patience that endures long periods of unrequited love.The Bible recounts many such examples.The story of God’s relationship with the people of Israel, and with the rest of humanity is the most obvious one.There are iterations like Hosea, who was told by God to marry a prostitute.Hosea had to suffer through many of the feelings of rejection, and ingratitude that God must feel as we perpetually defy Him and defile ourselves.Then there is my own personal spiritual walk.Where would I be if God decided I wasn’t worth it anymore during the decade I ignored Him?What if He had done the equivalent to moving on and marrying another?But He didn’t do that.That is not His nature.An…

Football as a self-analysis tool

For some reason I can’t catch a football without jamming a finger.Maybe it’s the delicate artist hands.Maybe I’m just not tough enough.But this condition really makes football a lot less fun.You know what else makes it not fun?People who really, really care a lot about winning.Winning is apparently a very necessary component of the game for these guys to have fun.And by ‘these guys’ I mean just about everyone but me.I can’t have fun either way since my fingers keep jamming.So it makes me wonder why I’m different than most other guys.When they say things like, “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m out here to win!” I just think to myself, “No, I’m out here wishing someone would throw me the ball so I can jam another finger.”But seriously, despite the pain-riddled digits, I really like catching the ball and running with it.I’ve gotten to do that exactly once this whole season.Why?Because I’m not as good as the other players.So naturally it makes good since for the quarterback to throw i…

I'm SO sick of life right now!

Justin got suspended from school for a day because he apparently threatened to kill another student for not sharing their food.And, you know, you have to take an 8-year-olds death threats seriously.After all, one in every 500 million may actually mean it!I was talking to my councilor about how I’m at the end of my rope, and how this may be the most important time in Justin’s life right now.He could turn it all around, or drive himself into the ground based on how I handle him right now.No pressure there.In addition to this; the election is done and my group of old buddies from my job in Michigan are venting their grief and frustration over Kerry’s loss on our Ex-Outrage employee web board.Of course the way they are doing it is by exclaiming what a country of morons we are.“How could anyone be so stupid as to vote for Bush?!?”“Are we truly a nation of idiots?”Their language is a lot more colorful than that though.Normally I don’t care about people who insult my beliefs.But these are so…

I need more rope

It’s been a ruff couple of days for me.My mood is affected greatly by several things.One of the biggest is my children.It used to be my wife.I was generally happy unless she was unhappy.Which was most of the time.Now that she is gone I’m happy most of the time.But I’m finding my mood is now a prisoner to my son’s behavior.I am just so worried about him.My youngest is generally really easy.Of course he has the typical 5-year-old mood swings and whining.But overall he doesn’t seem to be effected by life the same way my older son is.I think that’s because Justin has had more time with his mom over the course of his life.His concept of normalcy involves her presence.Whereas with Shane; his mom was already inconsistent figure from the age of 3.So the absence and rejection from mom has had a bigger impact on Justin.Which makes his acting out so hard for me to deal with.He is the sweetest little kid you could know.His mom and I worked very hard to teach him good manners and graciousness.He a…