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Showing posts from January, 2005

That Darn Girl is haunting me!

I dreamt of our first kiss last night.(The one that never happened and never will.) We were talking; I was mid-sentence and you leaned over and surprised me.The innocence of your being was like a purifying light.It shot through your lips and onto mine.Like the seraphim with the burning coal, the touch on my lips erased from my mind every past indiscretion that they had engaged in.They felt innocent again.The was no lust, only sweetness.It was the connecting of souls on that deepest level that I so long for.This dream struck that cord of longing so hard, the resounding desire leaves me shaken and thirsty.How perverse it is that this desire for pure relation makes me want to wrestle the pen from God's hand and write our own story the way I want it to be.~God, you said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, then you made him a woman.You took part of his body and fashioned her for him.What I want is pure and good.I want a woman who reflects the goodness that God put into me.~ A…

Time for a voyage on the river of Guilt!

The waters are choppy.In fact this trip is ripping me apart.What can I do?I'm taxed to the limit on all fronts.I was unaware of just how far I was stretched until yesterday when I got another friendly email reminder from my supervisor.People are still thinking that I'm not putting in full days.We are getting near the end of our project, so everyone is working a lot of extra hours.I feel guilty that I can't do the same.I have been getting 40 hour weeks in.But just barely.And in the game industry, near the end of a project, it's not nearly enough.This week I finally hired a new fill-in nanny for Tuesdays and Wednesdays.So I won't have to spend extra hours in the middle of the day out of the office.But the biggest problem seems to be the hour long workout I do at lunch.So I'm hearing that I need to stop that.Then I get to feel guilty about not taking care of my body.I'll just add that to the heap of guilt I already have about how I'm not spending enough fu…
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My little guy feeling punchy

Faith and attitude

Prayer is so mysterious.If God knows everything we need, and has a perfect plan that takes into account every contrary action we, and everyone else does…What’s the point?Well, clearly it’s for our benefit - not His - that He tells us to pray.There must be something that we learn from the process.I’m embarrassingly new to the whole thing.I mean serious prayer beyond, “Thank you for the food.” And, “Help me feel better.”Now that I have started a list, and am being faithful about seeking God, I’m at a new level.And as a result new issues are coming up.Here are a couple…I think I disobeyed a direct order from ‘On High’ last week.My friend was in the middle of a panic attack, and I was talking to her on the phone to distract her from it.(I was told that might help.)I felt like I should pray with her.But I felt like she wouldn’t understand, and possibly be offended by that.And mostly… mostly I didn’t have the faith that God would help her; thus making me and God seem foolish to her.So I pra…

How it’s been going

I’ve had a varying amount of success with my resolutions.Here is the score so far:#1Morning devotions.90%#2Time with the kids.10%#3Become financially independent.1%#4Stop hurting women!50%#5Vulgarity in the workplace.-10%So I’ve managed to actually get up before the kids every day this week and read and pray.I knocked off 10% for Tuesday morning when the alarm went off, I turned it off, said forget it, and started to go back to sleep.Then a strange thing happened: I couldn’t fall back to sleep.And a chorus from a song started playing over and over in my head.It’s a hardcore anthem that goes, “Pick up your cross!Get back in the fight!(repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat…)”So after about 10 minutes of that I got up and had the worst devotion I have ever had.I literally had to think for 4 to 5 seconds between words.It was like trying to run a race through a swamp.The rest of the week was easier.But knowing how hard the mornings are for me, I went to bed with the kids every night at 8.Asleep b…

My life is a marathon (in the Special Olympics)

There are several places in the Bible where life is compared to a race.A long one, I guess.A brief summery of my life shows mostly pit stops.Maybe I’m just special.In fact, I know I am.I’m as special as a whole fleet of short buses.Having an autistic sister, I’ve been to a couple of these races.They aren’t pretty.But one thing that always stuck out for me was the unabashed joy many of the contestants displayed.I want to be as joyful as they are while failing so miserably.In my race, I keep falling down.I should probably wear a helmet. I’ve ran the wrong direction several times.But I ask you:How can one face a string of failures without humor?I would be miserable all the time if I felt like I had to hang my head in shame for penance every time I screw up.Of course I repent when I’m convicted.It’s like getting up when I fall down.It’s just necessary to keep running.But what sustains the race is Joy, not sorrow.Perhaps that is why I am starting to laugh at myself more lately.Not in a dem…

New Year’s resolutions

I’ve never been too big on these.They seem so futile.But this year I have seen so many victories over battles that seemed futile and hopeless.I’ve seen my life torn apart, and put back together again.I’ve seen my children restored to safety and peace.I’ve been delivered from lust.Heck, I even managed to build some New Year’s resolution-type habits like eating healthy and exercise.With those things out of the way, and properly appreciated, I am asking God what He would have me resolve to do in 2005.I put a special emphasis in looking outward, towards others, in my request for wisdom.Rather than asking what I can do to improve myself, I want to know what I can do to improve the lives of those around me.What can I change, that would further the Kingdom of Heaven?How can I show Christ in my life better?Well, sadly, the first thing on my list is neither fun, nor outward directed.But the rest are.Of course to be effective for God, I must be grounded in Him first.#1Morning devotions.Oh, God…